Screwism

"Oh foul religion! Why do thou divide mankind so?” - Myself  

Both Calvin and Hobbes are stretched out lazily on the side of a grassy hillock, staring up at a genial sky.

Hobbes asks Calvin, “Do you think there is a God?”

Calvin thinks for a couple of panels and then says, “Well…somebody’s out to get me.”

That was one of the all-time classic Calvin and Hobbes strips. And before I say anything more I would like to state that it is copyright of Bill Watterson. Just to be safe.

And it’s also highlights the kind of stuff that makes agnostics out of atheists.

Now why can’t what this notion implies be taken seriously? Don’t you ever get the feeling that someone’s looking out for you? You know…so that they can screw you when the opportunity arises.

As a rough estimate, I think it’s safe to assume that at least around 95% of people in the world manage to get through their lives without any ostensible or even imagined divine intervention. Yet a lot believe in God in his/her various forms and would even go as far as ostracizing those who admit to a not-so-cuddly relationship with the omnipotent one. These are the types that would try to attribute anything nice that happens to them to the existence of a higher power that sees all. I guess the comfort this thought affords is quite intoxicating.

And there are the intellectuals who get rabid at the mere suggestion of a god. What GOD? There is no GOD! The whole idea’s just a mass conception borne out of the convenience of absolving yourself of all responsibility for your own failures and ineptitude. It’s nice to think that you’re not to blame for messing things up. People flop and they say “This is the way God wants it to be. He’s got something better in mind for me. You’ll see.”

Karl Marx would probably support this second bunch of people. I’m not really that conversant with his works (that translates to ‘completely ignorant‘), but he is known to have famously stated once that “Religion is the opium of the people”. Highly interesting concept. But while I completely agree with the base idea, I would like to point out that he made this statement around 1943, a time when TV wasn’t exactly riding the crest of its wave (and Bill Watterson agrees with me on this).

I digress.

You can probably make out the superficial distinction that the intellectuals would like to point out as the difference between these two sets of people: The ‘not-so-existentially smart’ ones and the ‘higher IQ’ ones.

Well, my humble opinion is that the world isn’t just divided between these two sets of people. There’s a third set of guys too. The funny guys. And ‘funny’ here generally refers to both or either of the following:

-> A relatively developed sense of humour

-> A particular state of mind (as in "He's gone a bit funny lately")

This ‘funniness’ has generally been observed to impart a kind of wisdom or special insight to such people. Now don’t confuse this ‘wisdom’ with ‘intelligence’, a folly most people commit. Wisdom doesn’t necessarily translate into high test scores, a Mensa membership, or anything that material really. To put it simply, it’s the kind of thing you’d normally associate with Morgan Freeman whenever he pops up in a movie just around the time when the hero’s down on his luck and needs a bit of solid advice over running his affairs. I bet you get the gist now.

Such wisdom helps them see the world in a light vein. Most things aren’t that serious. There’s always something funny about things. Casual disdain for authority is another feature. And such people are generally almost completely devoid of both intelligence and enterprise, while possessing buckets of the aforementioned wisdom. Needless to say, this wisdom helps them to do little more than impressively sigh “What’s the point?” and misguide those deluded enough to ask them for advice.

But returning to the beginning of this post, the distinguishing feature of this species is that feeling of vague persecution that the C&H strip at the beginning alluded to.

Now let’s get the religious allegiances of these guys sorted before delving further into this morbid subject.

These people usually sit on the proverbial ‘fence’, neither here nor there. This is an especially evocative metaphor if you imagine the fence to be an electrically secured one, or one with really sharp points at the top. Obviously it’s not comfortable being on the fence, but what more do you expect from the dim wits of this particular species?

The logic commonly held among them is that since there is no irrefutable or unambiguous proof supporting the existence of God, it would be better not to take sides until the advent of such hard evidence. Yet they find it hard to rule out the possibility entirely too. Why? That sneaking suspicion that someone’s taking special joy in watching them screw themselves.

Any psych majors may have figured out by now that I consider myself a specimen of this not-so-distinguished tribe.

Consider this. One time I thought it especially entertaining to perform a somewhat scathing impression of a superior at work for the mid-afternoon amusement of a few colleagues. Guess what? Was within earshot. Result? Subtle yet effective office retribution takes root…I get screwed.

And these sort of things keep happening. Divine intervention when least required.

I know what a lot of people would call me at this point. Agnostic. And no, I beg to differ. I am just a supremely screwed individual. I’m a ‘Screw’.

Yeah, here gets birthed a new philosophy. Not religion, philosophy. I lay its cornerstone as of this moment. It’s called ‘Screwism’. I know, it rhymes with Jewism. No connections though.

I am a proud Screw.

There are no holy texts or reference points for the confused Screw. See…that’s why it isn’t a religion. It encourages free will. The only philosophy is that something supernatural’s out to screw us, which maybe implies the existence of something akin to a ‘God’.

A Screw could identify himself to a fellow Screw by pointing an index finger at his temple and drawing multiple circles to indicate the turning of a mechanical screw. Non-screws might take this as a wilful admission of instability, but such shamans of ignorance could be ignored.

Another way to address a fellow Screw is with a prosaic ‘Screw you’.

Before signing off, I would like to state one of the basic assumptions of Screwism. It says that “Girls by fundamental nature are Non-screws, since they generally seem to be blissfully unaware of any persecution or existential angst in their bright pink and yellow worlds.”

More fundamental assumptions and axioms to follow later...wait...I'm creating exactly the sort of thing I hate...dammit...

Screw crappy human nature!!

Screw you all. Screw everyone.

P.S. If whatever I’ve outlined above seems too unfocused or theatrical, I can only say that if they were alive, Nietzsche or Goethe would have understood me…although I have to admit that I don’t usually understand them…